Been long you saw me

This post was originally posted to my Substack as part of a series to ease back into writing. The episodes described below are available at my Substack and I've added links below.

Hello hello!

Long time no see. When I sent my last email in April 2022, I didn’t think it would be nearly two years before the next one.

If you know me IRL or follow me on social media, you may know I lost my dad last year and had a daughter early this year. We lost the Koye Ladele and gained a Koye-Ladele. More than a year has now passed since my dad died, but I still miss him intensely. And when I’m being honest, despite my best efforts, there are still many ways in which I am only now re-engaging with life.

Happy-ish Birthday, Koye

Earlier today, in introvert paradise. Photo credit: Mosimiloluwa Koye-Ladele.

If you’ve read one of these before, you know about my practice of writing a birthday pager: a document outlining my hopes and desires for my next birthday. Last year’s pager included a father section. I knew we were going to have a baby and I was looking forward to becoming a father.

For Daddy, at 60

With daddy on the day we moved to the UK

The last time I saw my dad in person, we both cried as I left. Me crying on leaving home was not new. I had cried on leaving most times since I first left for university in December 2006. But tears in my dad’s eyes? That was a first. He had just recovered from an illness that had felt like certain death while it lasted. He had been surprised to wake up, halfway between life and death, to find that Simi and I had flown home to be with him. He was bashfully grateful. But now he had recovered. He had care from family and the church. I needed to return to my own home with Busola.

We prayed together. I hugged and clung to him. Then I hugged my mum. And then I hugged him again. I was crying by then – filled with gratitude for his recovery and sadness that I had to leave again. Simi took pictures of us, capturing those precious moments. At the time, I didn’t realise I had held him alive for the last time.